A Stand-up Guy

Part 22


I had been doing stand-up comedy at a local bar for a few months and, although in hindsight I really wasn’t very good at the time, I usually got a pretty good crowd reaction. Most of my jokes referenced the fact that I physically resembled Jesus and that my greatest pain in life was that I was really into Jewish girls but they would never fuck me. Maybe not the most original or tasteless material you might say, but then I would say fuck off elitist. Jefferson ran the room and would put me up pretty much whenever I felt like performing. I was also working early mornings, like 4AM early, at a grocery store in Newbury Park. Though I would usually show up on average two hours late, it still made the night life difficult. I would get to the bar around 9PM, go on stage around 10:30, and then drink until closing. I was averaging about two hours of sleep a night. Still, the show must go on as they say, and I was convinced at some point my act would get me laid.
One night, Hailey was in town and came to see me perform. She brought her friend Theresa with her, who I’d known since Junior High though I hadn’t seen her in years. Theresa and I had once almost hooked up when we were 14 or so, but I was still terrified of the female gender at that point in time so nothing happened. After the show Hailey, Theresa and I caught up; it had also been a while since I’d seen Hailey. Theresa and I hit it off really well and soon were drinking and laughing like the old friends we were. Hailey later took me aside and explained to me that Theresa still had a little thing for me. Being socially retarded as I am, I find it difficult meeting new women so it’s much easier when someone I already know is into me. I exchanged numbers with Theresa and we agreed to hang out soon.
Our first date we went out for dinner and drinks. She learned of my shitty work schedule and I learned of her previous meth habit. It was clear that this relationship wasn’t going to work but we decided to give it a go anyway. Over the next couple weeks we hung out a few times, but usually I was just too tired to do much after work so I would take a nap and then head to the bar. I don’t think this schedule was great for her, as she wasn’t a huge drinker. We kept hanging out though because even though our conversations didn’t exactly set the world on fire, we still got along pretty well.
In our third week of dating we went for a walk in a park. It was fairly late at night so the only person around was a creepy old man who was fishing out of the local pond. We walked until we were far enough away from him where he couldn’t see us and sat down and began making out. It wasn’t a passionate make-out, instead more of an awkward, mandatory make-out. I got my hand up her shirt, but that was weird. She probably would’ve let me have her that night, but I never pushed it. There was no sexual attraction, and no booze to induce it. Eventually we got up and walked back to my car in silence. We only hung out one time after that and it was just as awkward. The relationship didn’t burn out, it just fizzled. There were never any hard feelings though, and I still send her an email every now and again to say hello. The situation also produced a comedy bit for me as well:

“Believe it or not, one time my act actually attracted a girl. After the show she came up to me and told me that she really liked my set. We hung out a few times but nothing ever really happened. After about a week, she broke it off. I was slightly upset about it, after all I am desperately lonely, so I asked her why. She told me it was because she really liked my act, where I am an awkward, self-deprecating guy with no ambition who drinks too much. Then I found out that’s just the way you are and there is no act.”