You Can't Kill Rock n' Roll?

An Open letter to Ozzy Osbourne:

Hi Ozzy, it’s me Danny. Uh, you know the guy with the giant tattoo of you on his back. I understand that’s a little creepy, but come on I was 18 years old for Christ’s sake when I got it. The reason for getting it is still special to me, no matter how ridiculous the tattoo is on a 28 year old man. You see, Ozzy Osbourne was important to me, scratch that, is important. Not just the music, but the idea of the bigger then life (and God) rock star got me through a lot of rough days in high school. There wasn’t a problem alive that couldn’t be solved with “Crazy Train.” No unrequited love could penetrate the walls of “Goodbye to Romance,” and when I was feeling my most insane, my most self-indulged pity party could always be put into perspective with “Diary of a Madman.” The idea that a marginal talent with sheer booze-fueled charisma could rise to the level that you did always provided me hope for my own place at the top.
With all this in mind, I’d like to express dissatisfaction with who you’ve become. For one, stop referring to yourself as the Prince of Darkness. You’re not, and never were, the epitome of evil. The beauty of the conservative community referring you to as evil and the Prince of Darkness was that the joke was always on them. You understood that when they called you a devil worshipper, the best comeback was not to come after them angrily or deny such allegations, or buy into the image to sell records. No, the correct comeback was to write songs mocking these accusations, then play the part of the evil rock star in caricature form. This tactic always made them look like assholes and you look like a genius. You’re records sold and your fans understood the joke, even if it was lost on everybody else.
Secondly, the name of your upcoming album. Soul Sucka? Seriously? This is the best you could come up with? And on top of this horrible, horrible name you’ve gone and fired Zakk Wylde. This isn’t necessarily inherently wrong, though I do enjoy both Zakk’s playing and song-writing, but it’s the way it was gone about. After playing with this guy for twenty years you fire him without telling him face to face, but rather it’s done through the media. That’s sickening, dude. I only have one or two friends that I’ve known that long and there is no way in Hell I would treat them that way. If you don’t want to play with him anymore then that’s fine. Just be a man about it.
Next, the reality shows. I’m not going to go into this too much because so much has been said about it already that I can’t really offer anything new. The biggest problem is not how bad they suck, or how much it makes us hate your family, it’s that you’ve let them turn you into their stooge (by them I mean The Man, who else?). They’ve downgraded you from a rock star to a mere entertainer. Maybe it’s just inevitable, everyone gets corrupted eventually. I can deal with the drugs, the booze, the egomania and all of your other faults as a human being. Hell, we all got faults. Just know that every time you shout “Sharon!” on some stupid TV show or shitty commercial, another piece of my childhood dies. Ozzy Osbourne: the killer of childhoods? I don’t think that’s what you want, friendo.
Finally, stop being a dick about Black Sabbath. If you have no intention of legitimately rejoining those guys then let them use the goddamn name. Stop this Heaven and Hell bullshit and let them tour under the name Black Sabbath (as soon as Mr. Dio recovers from his cancer of course). I get it, you’re still pissed after thirty years about getting kicked out of the band. Guess what, though, you’ve had way more success then all of your band mates combined since then. Chances are, most of them would trade places with you in an instant. Black Sabbath was more then just you, let it live on.
Now, lest you think this is all negative I’ll end with something positive. After all, why bother writing this if the situation is hopeless? A lot of people shit on your newer music. I’m going to say I enjoyed both “Down to Earth” and “Black Rain.” I think both are fine, though definitely not timeless, albums. The music is still there, you just need to regrow those balls and say fuck the world for all of us awkward young men that can’t think of ways to say it for ourselves again. I believe it’s still buried in you somewhere and I look forward to you making an album that makes the world remember just what a badass Ozzy Osbourne truly is. Just please change the damn album name.